Kid Rock Is The Smartest Man In History

I know what you're all thinking - what about Archimedes? Or Plato? Or James Woods? Fine, all those people are smart too, but hear me out on this. Just this past week, I was in my car and switched to a radio station that I don't regularly listen to. Sure enough, Kid Rock's new single was playing. In it (his single), he samples Lynard Skynard's Sweet Home Alabama¹. Now, it occurs to me that while I never want to hear this song ever again, Kid Rock has an exceptional formula for success here. Somewhere along the line, he must have realized that he doesn't have the talent to impress rock critics, other musicians, mid-30s online bloggers, etc. However, there are literally millions of Americans that consider themselves either a) Midwesterners or b) Southerners. And more than any other demographic, these millions of people still buy their music at Wal-Mart or Target or other high-volume retailers. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to paint the people from the south or from the midwest as dopey or musically retarded or anything along those lines. All I'm saying is that if Kid Rock was interested in profiting from his career choice, he picked a good audience to appeal to.

And now that he's got his audience, all his songs have to do is be mildly catchy and make endless references to that rural lifestyle. And while we're at it, why not sample one of the most popular southern-rock songs in history? This particular song that I heard the other day is mostly about young love in Northern Michigan. Its lyrics mention walleye fishing, campfires, and whiskey drinking, among other things. In the song's thrice-repeated chorus, Rock rhymes "things" with "things"² -- We were trying different things / We were smoking funny things. It's ingenious. Every thing about it is just plain brilliant

¹ This marks the second time in six years that somebody has stolen Sweet Home Alabama from Skynard. The 2002 incident was the Reese Witherspoon/Patrick Dempsey movie. I'm sure it's just a matter of time before we're blessed with the teen-drama TV series version.

² And as luck would have it, these two identical words do indeed rhyme with one another.

Inside My Head I've Heard A Lot

Since it's very likely that I'll never be elected president, I suppose this is my inaugural address. This blogging idea hit me close to a week ago; I had just made a series of realizations about castaways, pop music stars, and women that drive white Hyundai Sonatas on Chicagoland expressways. It was maybe the most important week of my life.¹ So there's a little background. Oh, and I should further mention that I made a deal with myself to be careful about plagiarizing other people's work. I've already broken that rule twice (it's not uncommon for me to break promises to myself). The name (and URL) of the blog is taken from a Radiohead song that was on just a few minutes ago, and the title for this post is taken from a whole other song by a whole other band.² So that's that. Hope you enjoy reading (assuming I keep up with this new hobby), but please try not to dwell on anything from this blog for very long.<sup>3


1</sup> I realize that this may seem like an overstatement, but as you read future blog posts, I'm sure you'll conclude that it was at least in the running for the most important week.
² Although, only people from Munster, Indiana or possibly Raleigh, North Carolina would catch that.
³ I would say that thirty to fifty seconds should do it for just about any of my future ramblings.