Important First Date Questions: Part 1

The following is a list of questions that might come up, should you and I ever go out on a first date. This might be a running list - a serial blog, if you will - and here's part one. Because it's important for me to find out early on whether or not this is going to work.

1) In what has to be considered the best week of your life, you meet two different men, and you're convinced that both could possibly be your soul mate. You find both incredibly attractive, intellectually stimulating, deeply compassionate, and while it's completely unlike you to do so, you decide to date both at the same time. Without telling either guy about the other. Soon into your relationships, you realize that each guy has his own very odd quirk. Every time you're out in public with guy 1, he talks and acts exactly like Sam Kinison. Only in public though. If you're at a restaurant, he's red-faced, sweating, screaming his order (and a great deal of profanity) at the server. If you decide to grab dessert after the movie, he's shouting at the Dairy Queen clerk about the blizzard flavor of the month. Needless to say, it's very uncomfortable. But then you get home and everything's normal. The thing with guy # 2 also strikes you as a little strange. Every hour on the hour (whether you're in public or not), he gets down on a knee and serenades you with Peter Cetera's "Glory of Love". Even when he's asleep... he instinctively wakes up hourly just to sing to you. He sings the song perfectly, and there's no doubt in your mind that should the situation ever present itself, he really would fight for your honor. Which guy do you stick with longer?

2) For the better part of a decade now, Vikings and Ninjas have been involved in a brutal war for control of Europe. After a week-long summit, the UN has convinced both sides to settle the dispute once and for all. The venue for this last battle royale is the newly rehabbed Roman Coliseum, and each side will send their 500 best fighters to the historic non-televised event. Weeks before this deciding battle, a local radio station dials your phone randomly, asks you 3 simple pop-culture questions, and after answering all three correctly, you're awarded one front-row ticket to the fight. They also throw in airfare and hotel accommodations. The one big problem with all of this (which you don't realize until two days before you fly out) is that the viking/ninja battle takes place on your wedding day. What excuse to you give your fiance for missing your own wedding?

3) ConAgra Foods, creators of Manwhich, have agreed to pay you $80 for every Manwhich sloppy joe you eat for the rest of your life. After doing the math, you realize that if you ate 3 sloppy joes a day, you could quit your job and support yourself reasonably well. This is good because - for some reason - ConAgra will call the deal off if you hold any other job except for sloppy joe-eater. How long do you keep this up?